Loosen The Fears That Bind You

Well, after five nights and a total of ten hours of sleep, I finally slept peacefully last night, thirteen hours to be exact.

WHOO HOO, Monday night, November 16, my dad called me and told me that my MRI was STABLE and the exact same as my last MRI that I had in May. Not a single new plaque or lesion, not even one. This hasn’t happened since I had my first MRI in August of 2013 which showed nine lesions. After two years, six MRIs, and three medicines, I finally got some good news, great news actually, the best news I could have gotten.

My dad said he got butterflies in his stomach when he opened up that MRI and after checking it multiple times to make sure he was seeing this correctly--no new lesions--he called me and told me the fantastic news. I bursted into tears immediately, all of this stress and anxiety I had was finally gone. I honestly feel like I can breathe better today and I sure did sleep better last night!

When I was lying in that MRI machine yesterday, listening to Ben Howard drown out the beatings of the drums inside that tube:

FEAR

“My my, cold hearted child, tell me how you feel
Just a blade in the grass, spoke unto the wheel
My my, cold hearted child, tell me where it's all gone
All the luster of your bones, those arms that held you strong
I've been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
I've been worryin' that I'm losing the ones I hold dear
I've been worryin' that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear”

I realized that no matter what I tell myself, or tell anyone else, I am scared of MS and I think it’s ok. I have decided that I don’t want it to hold me back from my life, even though I’m realizing it may be a decision that I have to continually remind myself to make. It’s easy to curl up into a ball and think about how terrible the cards you have been dealt are, the hard thing is waking up every morning and deciding that you aren’t going to let MS defeat you. I hope you decide to do the same. After bad news, after bad news for two years, I think I really needed this good news for my mental health! My friends are pretty pumped too.

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I know that even if the results were negative, I still have so many friends/family that still love me and are ok with me being happy or sad or anywhere in between. Maybe as reassuring as the test results were, the happiness I was able to share with my friends and family, and the knowledge that I will continue to have people to share the highs and lows of this journey with is what keeps me going. Make sure you surround yourself with these people, they are a huge part of your motivation to keep you going.

 

For now, my friends, family, and I will celebrate but I know that the next time I get bad news, they will be here for me no matter what. Well first I'm going to get some sleep.

This life will move you with every step outside,
It's alright, it's alright
My arms are open wide for you
This life will move you as graceful as the tide
It's alright, it's alright
Loosen the fears that fears that bind you.
Loosen the fears that fears that bind you.

--Ben Howard "Cloud Nine"