Alone In The Unknown

(This was written Sunday, November, 15, before my MRI the next day)

As I sit at my friend's house watching the Patriots vs Giants football game, everyone is talking about how nervous they are for the outcome of the game, and all I can think about is the outcome of this MRI I have tomorrow morning. I haven't told anyone here yet about the test tomorrow besides Glenn. They probably think I’m just in a quiet mood because it’s Sunday and I’m exhausted. Yet again, I find myself wanting everyone to think I'm ok. I know that my friends are supportive of me and would do anything for me, but my biggest fear is becoming the person who is always sad and trying to bring everyone's mood down by talking about her hardships. The last thing I want is sympathy from people, especially my friends. Even though I've been through so much with these people a part of me is terrified of sharing my struggles, even though I know it's irrational.

I know I won't sleep well tonight because of my anxiety rising about the possibility of getting the same results I've gotten my last MRIs. I actually haven’t gotten more than two hours of sleep at night since Wednesday because of how stressed I am for this test tomorrow. I guess that’s what happens when I tend to keep everything inside. Instead of talking about how anxious I am for these results, I keep it all in, and then don’t sleep for several nights.  

Since August 2013, I’ve never gotten good results from an MRI. I’ve always had additional white spots and I’ve had to switch medicine twice. If I have more plaques on my MRI tomorrow, I will have to switch to my 4th medicine. It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling, it’s scarier than terrifying because the unknown always seems to be greater greater than anything I can fathom. I'm 25 and instead of stressing about a football game and my fantasy teams, I'm stressing about the results of my immune system attacking my nervous system. While the boys are wishing they would’ve chosen a different quarterback, I’m wishing I could’ve chosen a different immune system. I trust my friends with my life, but the last thing I want is to stress them out with my issues. We all have different things going on in our lives, and I care about their problems just as much as they care about mine.

I’m stressing about if the medicine I’ve been religiously taking twice a day for the past six months, despite the uncomfortable flushing and redness I get all over my body, has slowed down my MS progression at all. I’m scared that the past six months have just been another waste with another medicine that hasn’t been working. It takes six months for a medicine to show its effects, which is why we have to wait that long. All I can hear is the beating in my head of the MRI machine as I lay there and listen to my favorite artist, Ben Howard, trying to listen to his calming words as the radiology techs watch my fate from a computer screen on the other side of the wall.

When I first get into the MRI machine, and they put the headphones on and the football helmet over my head, and slide me into the tube, I always shed a few tears, but quickly blink several times to get them to go away. I can’t have a meltdown in the MRI machine; they would tell me to stop moving. My mind always goes to some pretty dark places while in that tube. I try to be positive, but sometimes this is all just too much for me. One of my biggest rocks during this entire journey has been my roommate from college, Lauck--one of the few people I can actually be honest with. I’m texting her tonight about my anxiety and she reassures me that I don't have to put all of this on my shoulders She assures me that everyone would be more worried if I wasn't nervous, and that everyone is here for me. Here are a few texts between us:

Lauck: “Well let’s go into it being positive and not in the mindset that something’s wrong. I know it’s hard not to worry but stress hurts you more”
Me: “I was just so certain last time that they wouldn’t find anything because I felt so ok”
Lauck: “Well hopefully now it’s the opposite. You’re nervous and everything is ok.”
Me: “I’m not gonna sleep a wink again tonight”
Lauck: “Yeah, I think that’s really understandable because you’ve gotten shitty news each time. I just really hope that it goes well! This shit is scary. You could write a blog post about how you’re feeling right now!” (I then started typing this in a note on my phone)
Me: “I’m sitting at Thomas’ right now with Glenn, Tanner, and Logan trying not to cry. I don’t want them to think I’m scared or a baby”
Lauck: “There is nothing wrong with you breaking down about this. You have every single right to be afraid but you put it all on your shoulders. We are all here for you Meg and won’t look at you differently for being scared. It would be so shocking if you weren’t nervous.”


So as you can see, Lauck is the bomb.

We will find out soon enough!!!!